Usually when I am in the therapy room and I bring up self compassion the room goes still.  It goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.  There is this moment where the silence gets uncomfortable and then there is an exhale followed by “I don’t know” or “that just seems really hard”.  Self compassion can be hard and uncomfortable.  It can also be reassuring, caring, and kind.  Self Compassion can be pivotal in your recovery and therapeutic work. 

So my next sentence in the therapy room usually goes something like this : we as humans generally spend time telling others how we love them and expressing kindness and caring towards them.  We tell our spouses, partners, children, family, friends and or pets that we love and care about them.  We also usually spend time showing our people that we love and care for them. We do acts of kindness.  We send them a thoughtful text, a funny TikTok, or grab them a coffee. We want them to know they aren’t alone. 

So if you were going to begin pulling that same energy and care inward that would be self compassion.  Dr. Kristen Neff from The University of Texas Austin defines self-compassion as “Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering”.  Dr. Neff  has identified the three elements of self compassion are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

When you extend yourself self-kindness we move away from self-judgment. When you connect with a knowing that you aren’t the only one who has ever felt a certain way you can begin to feel less alone. Mindfulness allows you to bring your emotions into balance and to move towards regulation and away from rumination.  The very act of self-compassion allows you to accept yourself. 

I have never met someone who doesn’t want to feel better, but I know it can feel overwhelming with where to start.  I usually begin by suggesting to start with how you talk to yourself.  We all have a caregiver voice its how we speak to those we love with love, so start there.  When you find yourself using your inner voice check in, and ask “would I talk to _____________that this”  You can fill in the blank with anyone you love: a child, a parent,a pet, a significant other, or a friend anyone really.  If the answer is no I wouldn’t talk like this to them then don’t do it to yourself. 

 Take one more step further and then replace what you were going to say to yourself with what you would say to someone you love in the same situation.  Maybe even taking your hands over your heart breathing in deeply and repeating your words of compassion for you.

When you can begin speaking and extending yourself self-kindness you allow yourself to begin really viewing  yourself as someone worthy of acceptance, reassurance, and comfort.